There are certain phrases that you should absolutely avoid using in a relationship in order for it to be a happy one.
“If you really loved me, you’d do it.”
This is emotional blackmail. It may not be on purpose, but subconsciously you’re trying to manipulate and pressurise your partner into doing what you think is right because you either a) want to get your own way or b) believe you know best.
“He/she would have done this for me”
You know the first step in building a good relationship? Not comparing it to your previous one. Not only does comparing your partner to an ex-signify that there is something seriously lacking in your current relationship, but it is also indicative of the fact that you might not completely be over your previous relationship. If you find yourself saying or even wanting to say this phrase often, it’s time to rethink your relationship. If you’re simply saying it to anger your partner or get to him/her to do something that you want, it’s time to rethink whether being in a relationship at this current point in time is the right thing for you.
As a loving and caring partner, it is essential for you to be mindful of how your words and actions can impact your partner. Writing off an idea, a thought or a plan that he/she might have as ridiculous, stupid or simply idiotic because you might not agree with it is, to say the very least, wrong. Even if you can’t see eye to eye on an issue, try and be supportive and accepting of his/her point of view. If you know something they don’t and think their idea will fail, put your point across gently. There are better ways of telling someone you love that they are wrong than outright rejecting them.
“It’s all your fault”
Using an accusatory tone or words never really solves a problem. The only thing it does is make an already bad situation worse. So unless it’s a situation where it is actually entirely your partner’s fault (read: you caught him/her cheating), avoid placing the blame solely on them. Take your time to cool down and try and look at the situation objectively. That’s the only way you will be able to understand what went wrong and why.
‘‘You make me whole.’’
This can be a self-deprecating statement and it exposes low self-esteem and confidence. By saying it, you’re implying that somehow you weren’t totally content or satisfied before you met your partner, and are incapable of being happy without them. It’s dangerous ground.
‘‘I wish things were how they used to be.’’
Ahh come on, we’ve all said it. When you’re going through a rough patch or a bit of a tricky time, it’s hard not to reminisce about the honeymoon period where you were banging 24/7 and having just one giant laugh together. We cannot relive or recreate the past, so this type of statement is NEVER helpful. It also creates a sense of longing, yearning and wishful thinking, which devalues the positive aspects of the current relationship, and corrupts and restricts its future growth.
“You’re so boring – you cramp my style.”
Erm, this one is so mean and anyone who’s had it said to them will know being called boring is basically the ultimate knife to the heart. “This is a very unloving and harsh statement, and no good can come from this adversarial position,” David says. “Any negative criticism, comparisons or judgements like this will always create harmful separation and division in a relationship.
‘‘Why do you NEVER listen to me?’’
It can sometimes feel like your partner never bloody listen, but David says this is one of the least helpful things to say. “This type of limiting statement is normally made in a long-term relationship where the value of healthy two-way communication is taken for granted or ignored, or one partner has become very dogmatic and blinkered in their opinions. Continually repeating this statement, either in a more emotional or aggressive tone, will also never work.”
‘‘You’re so selfish!’’
If only I had a pound for every time someone said this to me (jokes). But it is an easy thing to fall out of your mouth when you feel you’re not being heard. This is a judgemental and critical statement, which attacks the person not their actions and will create separation and disconnection within a relationship.
This type of judgemental statement will never help develop or nurture a relationship. If you truly believe this claim, you also need to consider the possibility that you may have changed too.
A person or relationship can never be static or stay the same. To be healthy, vibrant and flourish, both partners and the relationship itself should be allowed to dynamically grow and transform.
‘‘Do you love me more than her?’’
If you ever have the need to ask this question, and you know it’s not about a minor pang of insecurity or jealousy, your relationship does need to be seriously re-assessed.
Everyone should be free to share their lives and be in a relationship with whoever they choose but, if a third party enters and begins to destabilise the relationship, you owe it to yourself to confidently and calmly bring matters to a head.
‘‘My ex would never do that!’’
I can confirm it’s horrible when the person you’re in a relationship with compares you to an ex. It makes you feel angry, worthless and insecure, which is never good.
This is a very poor and comparing statement that’ll only create separation and animosity in your relationship. If you don’t believe your partner is treating you with appropriate care and consideration, this is what you need to begin to address with them.